


The Debrief

by TheJoysOfAMultishipper (Amemah)



Series: Farcy happened. I don't know. They are very cute. [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Darcy Lewis' Taser, F/M, Nick Fury Swears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 17:34:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2516114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amemah/pseuds/TheJoysOfAMultishipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil needs a nap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Debrief

**Author's Note:**

> Heia!
> 
> So first, I'm Norwegian, meaning I write Siv's name the way it SHOULD be written. Anything other is sacrilege. (It pains me to write Thor instead of Tor, but I'll do it. For you.)
> 
> This isn't connected to the two first stories in this series, but if you want it to... I guess you could read them as such. The difference would be that Coulson knows that Darcy and Nick are married in "Nick Fury Has A Heart And Nobody Knows How To Process This".  
> This one didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to, but I figured it wasn't horrible.
> 
> Let me know what you think?  
> Tumblr: thejoysofamultishipper.tumblr.com / amemah.tumblr.com

“Describe your first meeting with Thor Odinson, if you will.” Colson double-checked that the recording was on, and gave a pen to the Director sitting next to him. Darcy jumps up from her chair, unable to sit still. Some adrenalin or excitement was still running through her system.

“Oh my fucking God, you’ve got no idea! Okay, so we’re driving around, right? Just looking for some… Something! I don’t really know what. Anyway, Erik, Erik Selvig, is all like ‘you can’t go on like this, Jane’, it was adorable, and she was like ‘you shut your mouth, I have not wasted your hard-earned money’, and I saw something in front of the car and was like ‘guys, check this out’. You following?”

 

“Mhm,” Nick hummed, eyes trained on the short woman walking in front of them. She waited until Phil nodded his assent before she continued.

 

“Yeah, okay, good. So! There was this tornado or some shit, anyway, this guy _comes out of it_ , yelling something about ‘hammer’, right? And I’m like ‘yeah, dude; we got it. You had some bad booze, it’s cool, we’ve all been there’. Anyway, he just won’t shut up, and I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable; you know how it is. Or, no you don’t, you’re men and never had your father tell you to put on more clothes unless you want to get raped,”

 

Darcy took a deep breath, clearing her head.

 

“Not the point, it’s difficult switching from political science to… The other kind. Anyway, I take out my taser,”

 

“Where did you get that? The strength of it was disconcerting”

Agent Coulson asked, not commenting on anything else. He knew that he would have nothing of importance to add to the conversation about rape-culture Darcy was three seconds away from forming, that she didn’t already know. (The background checks SHIELD ran was pretty thorough so they knew _she_ knew her stuff, but besides great grades, a highly classified marriage, and second last-name, there wasn’t anything to note about her.) 

 

“I’m not allowed to say. He did say he was one of the good guys, though,“ She winked at Coulson.

“She got it from me,” Director Fury grinned, looking over at his friend. Coulson stared, but figured there was no way… No. Just no. Maybe..? That _would_ explain the classified-thing. But no. No way.

“Continue,” He said, turning back to Darcy.

 

“Okay, so he’s all like ‘you dare threaten me?!’ at which point the alarm bells are ringing, memories of drunk frat boys and their charming ways coming to mind, so I’m like. Dude. No. And I taser him. He goes down, Erik’s annoyed because he has to carry him, but I’m not touching _that_ with a ten-foot pole, no matter how nice of a beard,”

 

Darcy’s hands are waving around in the small office she’s in, Director Fury and Agent Coulson on the other side of the table, Phil staring at her like he can’t understand why she won’t talk like normal people do during briefings. Since Nicholas already knows there is _nothing_ ordinary about Darcy, he manages to catch a glass of water her hand got caught in before it falls down. Darcy doesn’t notice, to busy with talking.

 

“So we get him to the hospital, leave him there and drive back to the lab. Anyway, when we get back, I’m looking at all these pictures, right? From the tornado,” She clarified.

“And you can see some sort of a humanoid form, right? So I’m like ‘Jane, babe, gotta see this, and she’s all like ‘what’,” Darcy stops in her tracks, staring at the men with an impression of Jane’s what-face. Nick can feel his lips twitch at the sight of the dumb look on her face, but keeps himself from smiling by sheer force of will.

 

“Yes, very impressive, Ms. Lewis,”

“Actually, it’s Mrs. Fury,” She says, because what bad is _Agent Coulson_ going to do with this information? He would have been the best-man! The way Nick stared at her like she’s called a Russian president an asshole, and accidentally made sure the war wasn’t that old _or_ cold anymore, was the cream cheese-frosting on top of carrot cake. (Yes, that was her favorite.)

God, the amount of sweet-talking Nick had to do during those years was _outrageous_ , made him frustrated just thinking about it. Do you wanna know what else made him frustrated? The way his wife was treating Level 9-classified secrets.

 

“Really? You can keep the fact that I got you that taser secret, but not that we’re fucking _married_?”

“Married?!” Coulson squeaked (definitely first time he’d ever done that.), finally having processed that all the sounds coming from Darcy Lewis actually were _words_ and had a meaning. Phil stared back and forth between the Furys, the truth he didn’t want to come to on his own staring him in the face. He thought he’d learned not to underestimate the Director a long time ago, but no. There he was again, fucking with Phil’s worldview. Asshole.

 

“What?! It’s not like you didn’t want to tell him anyways. And look at it this way, you don’t have to find a way to bring it up!”

“For fucks sake,”

“Shut up, you know I’m right. Anyway, we drive back to the hospi-“

“Excuse me, hi, we’re not going to discuss the matter of your _marriage_ anymore?”

 

Nick sighed the sigh of someone married to Darcy Lewis and shot a look over at his most trusted employee, trusted _friend_.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,”

“To be fair, if we had planned it, you would have been best-man,” Darcy said, ignoring the, quite frankly, disgusting look of admiration Coulson sent Fury. Fury rolled his eyes in return, waving his hand for Darcy to continue.

 

“You two done with your moment?”

“Darcy.”

“Fine, okay. So! We get back to the hospital, he’s not there, and then Jane ends up hitting him with his car _again_ -“

“Again?” Coulson frowned, looking through his notes.

“Yeah, I didn’t mention that? Jane told me to drive _into_ the tornado, very stupid, and I was like ‘I’m not dying for six science credits’, and then there was a bit of a commotion. When Thor got out of the tornado, or whatever, we kind of... Crashed,” She mimed an explosion with her hands, making the sound effects with her mouth.

_Married?_ Coulson mouthed at his boss as she continued her story. _Long story_ , Fury answered, turning back to Darcy.

 

“Anyway, long story short; -“

“This is a debriefing, Mrs. Fury. There is no such thing as long story short here,” Coulson said.

“But this is going to take for _ever_!” She whined, falling down into her chair again. Phil raised an eyebrow at her, willing her to continue.

 

“Fine,” She huffed, “So, I made him some fake IDs in case he got in trouble, and once we convinced him it wasn’t possible to ride dogs, wow so many sex-jokes, he and Jane got going to your base. Where he proceeded to fuck. Shit. Up. At which point you would know more than me, but I’m imagining it wasn’t pretty, considering he was basically suicidal the next day. You should get a psych-evaluation of your prisoners.” Nick made a note in his own papers, figuring it couldn’t hurt. It _definitely_ wouldn’t hurt having a few more psychiatrists on staff.

 

“Wait, you helped a man you had met a few hours earlier break out a government facility you knew your _husband_ was in charge of?” Phil stared incredulously at the woman standing in front of him, trying to get a handle on her thought-process.

“Well, what else was I supposed to do?” She asked, brows furrowing.

“Maybe _not_ help break the alien out of a government facility?” Nick’s voice was drier than Sahara. Darcy was a bit impressed, a lot annoyed.

“To be fair, I didn’t know he was an alien,”

 

“Not the fucking poi-. Jesus Christ. Go on,” Phil demanded, glad to get some use of his I’m-Of-A-Higher-Rank-Than-You-Obey-Me-voice again. It’s been so long, he’s missed it. You would think he’d get to use it on Barton, but it was pointless. Darcy made a face at him, clearly stating her displeasure at being commanded, but got on with her story anyway.

 

“And then a robot appeared, I ran away with a dog, trying to get it to safety,”

“There was an alien killer-robot at your tale, and you were worried about the _dog_?”

“ _Again_ , _I_ didn’t know it was alien!” Phil opened his mouth to clarify, but shut it at Nick’s shake of his head. _Don’t bother_.

 

“So the dog is fine, but then Thor is dead and Jane is crying but then HAMMER!” She slammed her hand into the table, years of training keeping Nick and Phil from jumping up. “Impressive,” She commented, staring at their still form.

“So, “ Darcy continued, the frozen state of her husband’s body no longer interesting. “The warriors three and Siv are like motionless, still trying to understa-“

“Warriors three? Siv?” This time Phil didn’t bother looking though his notes, a hundred percent sure no such people were mentioned.

 

“Yeah, they showed up after Thor made us scrambled eggs,” She shrugged. Phil’s right eye jerked, keeping himself under control, wanting nothing more than to just give up the whole subject of Darcy Lewis. Sorry, _Darcy Lewis-Fury_.

“Just breathe, Phil. Just breathe…” Nick said, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

 

“So they, the warriors, are like… Crying? Maybe, I don’t know. Mortal men should really take a lesson in ‘showing emotions doesn’t make you a wimp’,“ Darcy turned her head at Nick, who ignored her; still doing some breathing exercises he’d seen work for Dr. Banner on some old security footage. _If it worked for the Hulk…_

 

“But then, you know. Hammer! And there’s this armor and biceps, god so much bicep, and… Like, I don’t know what happened. But shit went down and Thor’s alive.” She took a sip of her water, giving the men a break. She honestly didn’t have that much sympathy for them; Nick knew her, which meant he would _know_ this was never going to be a ‘to the point’ conversation, and Phil was the one who was badgered with three different forms for the release of her iPod daily. If they wanted proper information regarding alien life forms, ask Jane.

 

“And everyone was happy and horny, Jane in particular, though I won’t deny…” Phil managed to keep himself from choking on his coffee; Nick rolled his eyes.

“And?” Coulson prompted, more than ready to get this over with.

“And… Then they’re flying off into the sunset, Fandral muttering something about ‘always so dramatic’, which made me think of you,” Darcy smiled sweetly at her husband.

 

“Then Coulson showed up and here I am.”

“What a wonderful tale,” Phil said, shutting his document-folder and standing up.

 

“Oh,” He continued, “I’m sorry to say that the iPod you requested returned was harmed during transportation,”

“WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SA-”

“I asked for one fucking thing…”

 


End file.
